Often the things I tell myself are things I would NEVER say to another person, including someone I don't care for. We need to hold
Stop the insults, the degrading judgement, the lack of respect--for yourself. Would you be so harsh and uncompromising with a close friend? If you also tend to maintain your load of emotional toxic waste, by making assumptions about people and their thoughts, feelings, or perceptions.... well I have good news. You are 100% of the time-wrong. Yes, 100%
The reason this is good news, is you can now put all those assumptions (she is so power-hungry, he hates me, I know I annoy them, they think I'm stupid, she doesn't really care about what's important...)-- put those assumptions into a bucket and flush them. Flush them along with all the rest of the negative waste- your intellect can use to derail you.
Why? As I recently told a friend when she was talking about a new team of coworkers she was going to be working with, "Whoah...you don't know that." She protested and I asked, "What evidence to you have? Did they say that to you? An email? A dirty look?" No, she did not have evidence. She was wrong. 100% wrong.She was actually applying a self-loathing, militant never-good-enough view of herself and projecting an imagined view/ interpretation of others' feelings, thoughts and opinions. 100% wrong.
Peeling away layers of bad habits of projecting onto others our own insecurities is exhausting. Examining the critical views we hold of ourselves onto thoughts and feelings and opinions others hold.... can throw you off balance.
Our brains are pattern seeking devices. They fill in the other half of a word in an optical illusion, to make sense of what you are seeing. Even though the illusion reveals your brain filled in the missing information with incorrect information, it still made us feel better when we found an answer to the missing data. We feel better because we experience balance, incorrectly founded balance, but you still feel better.
When stopping negative self talk, and examining what is really true of situations or relationships we won't feel better at first. We can't know what is in another's mind, or more importantly, what experiences during their life have contributed to their experience of the world and you. Because you can't truly understand someone else's view, it makes sense that much of what other's come to the table with, is not about you.
Now, I am not talking about opting out of your responsibility to examine your part in a negative situation or relationship. However, it will lighten your load to accept what you have actual control over... which is not much.
My friend decided to say to herself, "Whoah. I don't know that," and redirecting the thought path she was traveling by doing a re-route (...much like our navigation systems in our cars, on our phones and the like... Siri is an idot, by the way-just sayin).
After awhile-- only a week or so, she claimed that she was, "Whoah-ing" so much at first she questioned her sanity. It seemed the majority of her working relationships were framed by'Whoah information.' AKA- it was fictional.
" I spent so much time filling in the spaces of other people's opinions and thoughts, that was operating with data that was completely, without question, 100% wrong. So then I decided that if I didn't know something, I would ask. I figured that if I wouldn't mind answering my question, then they probably wouldn't either." My friend, I am happy to report, is thriving in her new work environment, has established positive and effective relationships with her team. Her last thought the last time we spoke, "I never knew it could feel this safe at work. Thank you for 'whoahing me."
Take a pause and consider if you are thinking on the Whoah Thought route in your life. It is a creation that makes us miserable, suffer pain and insecurity. It is a lie.
One last thougt. I remember exactly where I was standing, what I was wearing (cute shoes) and what time of day it was when a co-worker was attacking me verbally. The attack was unprovoked, unfounded and meant to desecrate and debilitate me (yes, I had actual evidence). Then I heard a statement in my head. "It's not about you."
I could spend time explaining all the circumstances to gain your support and empathy, however that really doesn't matter. What mattered to me? In that moment, which happened in slow motion, and now comes through with High Definition clarity in my memory, an instant clarity appeared. It's not about you.
I cannot control, or be aware of all that colors someone else's experience of me. In fact, their experience of me has actually very little to do with me. Realizing this,has helped me to avoid taking the 'Whoah Route.'
Finally, I value and utilize my friend's advice, if I don't really know something, I simply ask.
Guy Winch's TED talk